Since I’ve been in Bangkok I’ve had the pleasure of visiting the BNH hospital a few times. I thought the first time was embarrassing enough, having several people fondling with my balls after I found a small lump a few days before. At one point I was in a room with 6 people all of them taking it in turns to cop a feel. I would just like to point out despite the pleasurable experience this could have been, not all nurses look like they do in those ‘sexy films’
You’ll be glad to know it was nothing, my balls are fine.
I did later, however, start feeling pains in my groin and stomach which continued for a couple of weeks and prompted me to return to the hospital and face far more humiliation.
After seeing a doctor and trying out some pills for a few days, nothing changed. So back at the hospital in not the best English, I was asked to do a stool test. I was given a bag with a little cup and a spoon inside and directed towards the toilets.
Now as I said, I was asked to do this in broken English and was feeling a little nervous about the whole embarrassing situation. I had to weigh up the odds, should I ask someone to confirm that I was indeed meant to poo in this little cup or risk giving someone a terrible shock and handing them a cup of shit when it was meant for something else entirely.
“okay, just to confirm, I am meant to poo in this cup right? I don’t want to surprise anyone”
I would like to say the doctor and nurse took this professionally and said yes without a change of expression, but they didn’t.
After spending a while on the toilet (are you starting to wonder why your chose to read this yet?) I got my sample and gave it to one of the nurses, feeling pretty happy I didn’t have her job.
Turns out my poop contained something that poop shouldn’t contain, so I would have to come back and be ‘inspected’
I arrived at the hospital a couple of days later ready to have a camera shoved up my arse.
As instructed I’d not eaten in the last 24 hours and had spent the night on the toilet after taking some very powerful laxatives given to me in preparation.
Next thing I know I’m in an operating room, being rolled onto my side and injected with lots of drugs ready for my anus to be violated for the first time in my life. Thank god, I was asleep before game time.
This is where I should say I woke up in a bed none the wiser, but, that didn’t happen…
At first I didn’t know where I was, all I felt was an incredible pain in my stomach and shouted out in agony. When I opened my eyes I was greeted with a monitor showing a nice view of the inside of my intestines. To make it worse out the corner of my eye I could see the doctor behind me doing his dirty business with the pipe, which I could now feel moving through my insides.
I’m assuming they pumped me full of more drugs because before I knew any more I was out of it and waking up very drowsy in a different bed, greeted with hot chocolate, a slice of cake and some water.
You’ve just been bummed, have some cake?
The nurse came to make sure I was okay and warned me I meet feel a little gassy as they had to fill me up in order to do the procedure, fair enough. Before I knew I was instructed to get dressed and head downstairs where Kirsty was waiting for me, along with the doctor.
I was rewarded with the news that my insides look fine and even given a copy of the pictures they took (available on request).
Kirsty and I left the hospital shortly after for some well deserved lunch, I’m glad to report I was walking normally, I did however have to leave shortly after eating as I was in quite a bit of pain and thought it best to rest.
I jumped in a taxi and began the 30 odd minute journey home, a few minutes in my stomach started to shift and make some interesting noises, the whole way home all I could think was…
“What the fuck am I gonna say to this taxi driver if I shit in his car?? he can’t speak a word of English! He’s not going to care that I’ve just been raped!”
I held out for the journey and swiftly made it back to the safety of my homely toilet.
Remember that gas I was warned about? Well bugger me! I was sitting on the sofa crouched over the computer when everything started moving, I sat up straight and whistled a lovely tune from my backside for the next 30 seconds.
That was it, the sensation to shit myself had gone, one big fart and I was fine.
I can’t decide whether this would have been more or less embarrassing had it happened at home, what was happening might have been clearer to me but I might have also heard the jokes being made or all the nurses talking about what a great bum I have?
Since the operation I have been away with my parents and will be returning to the hospital to see what has come of some samples that were taken during the procedure.
So it happened again… Getting my bum out in hospital again