It seems my record of ill health is only set to continue in Bangkok, I love this place but what the hell has it done to me?
Once again I spent a lovely day at BNH Hospital and once again it ended with something being inserted into my arse. Although that’s obviously the bit you’re all desperate to hear about, lets start at the beginning.
Don’t know what I’m talking about? Read: Getting my anus inspected in Bangkok
As many of you are aware I’ve been dealing with an unusual amount of toilet troubles the last few months, so much so, that long journeys can provoke nightmares. I’m glad to report that after cutting out certain foods (I miss you coco pops) I am much better on the dump front. Unfortunately the pains and swelling in my lower abdomen seem to be unrelated.
So this past Friday I returned to what is fast becoming my second home.
As expected my physical examination came up with nothing, after all, I’d been through this a couple of times before. The doctor recommended I go for an ultra sound to see if they could spot what was causing me the trouble. However, following a short wait he returned to tell me that after talking to a colleague they felt I should go straight for a CT scan as anything that was found on the ultra sound would likely require a CT scan to establish exactly what was wrong anyway.
Made sense to me.
A few minutes later, now wearing the fashionable hospital gown a new doctor is explaining what’s going to go down.
“Firstly we will do a normal CT Scan, through there, should we not get a clear enough picture we will have to go to stage two. This means injecting some medication into your wrist and also your rectum, okay?”
Oh Jesus! Here we go again. “Yeah, Sure”
Needless to say, and much to my delight of course, the first scan did not provide the insight they needed.
Before stage two began, the nurse went through exactly what was going to happen. She spoke perfect English but referred to my rectum as my “ass”. In any other situation this would be fine but for some reason coming from a nurse it just sounded really wrong. I don’t know why but it kind of made me more terrified? The whole time she was talking all I could here was “ass ass ass”
“I’m going to put this up your ass” – Erm, don’t you mean you’re going to gently insert it in my rectum?
Basically to give you the clearer picture I know you are all craving so much, a large volume of water was forced up my ass (rectum) containing some medication that would provide some contrast for the scan.
“Don’t worry, I know this is your first time but I have done this many times before” She reassured me.
Well actually… No forget it, I won’t go there.
The whole time my nurse/cheerleader was there encouraging me along the way, complete with her protégé who was paying VERY close attention to EVERYTHING.
“Now sir, you’re going to want to go to the toilet but don’t let it out sir, keep it in sir. It’s very important, just think in 10 minutes you’ll be able to let it out, don’t let it out sir”
The nurse clearly had not read my autobiography, I’ve had a LOT of experience preventing myself from going do-do where I shouldn’t.
But here’s the shocker, the pipe up my “ass” was not the worst bit. The other part of the dreaded stage two, the injection in my hand, wasn’t quite the injection they made it out to be.
A technician was called in to set up a machine resembling a pump (which I later found was called a power injector). This pump was going to quickly push a large amount of medication into the vein on the top of my hand. First though, the nurse had to test my vein was strong enough to handle the pressure.
She did this by filling a syringe and after a quick warning of ‘a little pain’ pressing down quickly and firmly forcing all the liquid directly in to my vein.
Fuck me! It hurts!
That was just the little syringe, as I looked to my right and eyed up the pump I wanted to cry, but you know, I was too busy trying to “Keep it in your ass sir”
As I was moved into the scanner my arms had to be extended above my head so my hand could remain connected to the evil pump. This was probably the worst bit for me, with anything like that, injections, tattoo’s etc I like to be able to watch and see what’s going on, having nothing to look at other than the camera a few inches from my face which they were all obviously watching in the other room was terrible.
A quick test blast with the machine confirmed my suspicions, this is gonna hurt like hell but at least my vein wasn’t going to explode.
As the injection began, just like ass nurse had warned, my left arm felt like it was on fire and as the medication made its way through my blood stream my whole body became very warm and a disgusting metallic taste filled my mouth. I couldn’t establish whether the warmth I felt down stairs was from the injection or because I had failed my nurse and not clenched those bum cheeks tight enough.
Once the scan was complete I sat up and was pleased to confirm I was dry, however, had the toilet been a few meters further away that may not have been the case.
After 2 or 3 failed attempts at leaving the bathroom I was done, changed and lead back to my original doctor after hours of fun.
Now comes the disappointment or relief? I’m still not sure, a few days later, which of the two it is.
Yup, you guessed it, everything once again is fine. The problem is it’s not, every night it swells up and every time I try and exercise it hurts. So while hopefully I can sleep a little better at night knowing there is nothing obviously serious going on down there I’m still having to deal with the same problems.
The doctor could only offer the possibility that I’ve damaged a muscle exercising in the past and it’s still healing. The outcome seemed to frustrate him as much as me, he even wrote down his email and phone number so I could contact him directly at any time should there be any developments, but it looks like I’m just playing a waiting game at the minute.
We have a spare room if any doctors want to move in and monitor me full time?